


Wed, Bed, Behead

by ImperialRemnant



Series: Shenanigans of the Force Kind [15]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Attempt at humour, Gen, Other, Randomness, idk dont ask me what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 23:32:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5311274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialRemnant/pseuds/ImperialRemnant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn, Rey and Poe discuss which of our First Order Trio (Kylo, Hux, Phasma) they would rather wed, bed or behead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wed, Bed, Behead

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I took the thing (bed wed behead) from the tumblr post, just because it seemed more fitting than FMK in this setting.  
> Any grammar errors or tense errors are my fault. I also feel like there's a lot of speech in this one, but oh well.

“Okay, so I want to ask the both of you.”

“Alright, but if you want us both to answer, you have to as well.”

“I know, but when I tell you which three, it’s going to be weird for me to answer.”

“How is it going to be weird, Finn?”

“Okay, I’ll tell you the three then. Wed, bed or behead: Our polyamorous First Order trio.”

Poe and Rey stared at him.

Poe was the first to speak up, “How is that weird for you to answer?”

“They used to be my superiors,” Finn said like it was the most obvious thing.

“That’s why you’d be the best person to answer it,” Rey insisted, “You know what they’re like when they’re not trying to kill you. Because honestly I’d kill all three of them.”

“Who wouldn’t kill all three?” Poe agreed.

They both looked at Finn expectantly.

Finn sighed, “Fine, okay. I would wed Captain Phasma.”

“Really? I’d probably bed her,” Poe said.

“Actually I’d wed her too, because I’d rather behead Kylo,” Rey said, in deep thought.

Poe scoffed, “That’d mean you’d have to bed Hux.”

“Well it’s not like I’d want to,” Rey said, “besides you just said you want to bed Phasma how is that any better?”

“Hang on a moment,” Poe looked at Finn, “Why would you wed Phasma and not bed her? Who would you bed?”

Finn rolled his eyes, “You’re joking right? She honours loyalty! She’d be best choice out of the three as a significant partner. I’d behead Hux, he’s a piece of shit to know. Always angry.” _Even when he’s drunk_ Finn added to himself. Memories of that night surfacing, but only momentarily, getting back to the game at hand.

“You’d bed Kylo?” Rey asked in disgust.

“You just said you’d bed Hux,” Finn countered, “and didn’t you both say I’d be the best to answer this question?”

“Fine, whatever,” Rey said defeated, “So you would wed Phasma, bed Kylo and behead Hux. And I’d wed Phasma, bed Hux and behead Kylo.”

Rey and Finn both turned to Poe.

“Okay so I already said I’d bed Phasma,” Poe said, putting up a finger to count off. He was in thought for a moment and then said, “I’d wed Kylo and behead Hux.” Another two fingers going up.

“Seriously!?” Rey asked in disbelief, “Are neither of you going to behead Kylo?”

“I’m just going by what Finn’s saying,” Poe argued, “He said Hux was a piece of shit even to people he wasn’t trying to kill. May as well take him out first!”

“I mean I suppose you could wed Hux though,” Finn said, “He _is_ the most competent.”

“So you’d wed Hux, bed Phasma and behead Kylo?” Rey asked sounding hopeful.

Finn leaned back on his chair, “Hell nah I’m keeping what I said before.”

“But there’s so much more to all this,” Poe shuffled forward on his chair, “for all we know Kylo could be a masterchef or loves to clean!”

Both Rey and Finn started laughing.

“You know what we should do,” Finn said, “have a cooking contest between the three of them!”

Now all three were laughing, the absurdity!

But then another voice spoke, not belonging to any of them, “So have you all decided what you’re going to do to each of them?”

They all jumped in surprise, Poe falling off his seat.

Leia stood at the doorway, arms crossed, questioning look.

“How long have you been standing there?” Rey asked, trying to appear innocent.

“Too long, unfortunately,” Leia said with a sigh, “but come on, we’ve got a problem.”

The three shared a look, now becoming serious.

* * *

The First Order had been readying to attack the Resistance, according to their spies. So they were preparing to attack them first.

Good thing about their spies, this made them one step ahead of their enemy.

“Supreme Leader Snoke is going to be in this field close by, but just out of our view,” Leia said, “Now we’ve been told he hasn’t planned to attack yet, just preparing the attack here. So we’ll attack them first before they have the chance.”

“Will it just be Snoke there? Who are the others leading the attack?” Rey asked.

“I’m getting to that,” Leia said, looking both annoyed and amused by Rey’s impatience. “General Hux will be there, along with Captain Phasma and the Knights of Ren.”

“They must be planning some serious assault,” Poe voiced.

Leia nodded in agreement, “That’s exactly what they’re doing, and I’m sure. But I want to send in some spies first, we need to see if we can figure out their battle tactics. What equipment they have there. How many legions of troopers they have.”

Finn stood up almost immediately, standing as though dramatic Star Wars music played as he did, “I’ll go.” His head held high, hands going to hips, a power pose.

Rey stood up then too, “I’ll go with you.”

A record cutting off the music, perhaps. All eyes on Poe, who was digging at his nails.

“Huh?” Poe looked up, “Well why go when I won’t be piloting?” 

Rey pulled him up by the collar.

“All right I’ll go,” Poe said then grumbled, “I can never catch a break.”

“Very well,” Leia said, looking at three proudly, “Report back once you’ve discovered as much as you can.” And although she spoke to all three, her eyes fell on Rey, “And be careful.”

* * *

They had to dress for light snow as they headed out. Trees were starting to lack leaves and the sky was more of a dull grey than a blue. Rey watched a squirrel scuttle along.

“Which way do we go?” Rey asked, Poe was the one with the navigation datapad.

Poe studied it for a moment, turning as he did. He looked towards the trees, then in the direction of a valley. Back at the datapad.

“Come on man, where are we going?” Finn asked this time. Both Rey and Finn impatient to start moving. Rey started bouncing up and down a little for more warmth. She wasn’t used to this type of cold, but it’s what you get for living on a desert planet like Jakku the majority of your life.

Finally Poe spoke, “We have to go...” he pointed towards the trees, “Into the Woods.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a review and/or kudos!


End file.
